A Thursday Affair - Aishah Kazman

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  Like most days, our Thursday starts with a simple beginning
  I cant talk about how it first started because in all honesty I cant exactly remember how
  But it started with a genuine full of honesty friendship that eventually blooms into something else
  Something in the line of being confusing yet cheeky at the same time
  But I like our Thursday, and there is no denying of how much I cherished our Thursdays together
  So let's talk about Thursday
  
  Lets talk about Thursday before the sun dies out
  Lets talk about your favorite radio station that plays weird indie music after twelve - adding that euphoric vibe for our midnight drive 

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  Lets talk about the time when we sat and talked about the most random topics on the wet grounds of independence square right in the parallel line of where Charmander would be found
  Lets talk about the night we spent chasing a big silver dragon Pokemon ( which I can't seem to remember the name ) around PJ when both of use are supposed to teach the next morning
  Lets talk about how we discovered our common grounds in food and cheap clothes
  Lets talk the random food hunting we had all around town
  Lets talk about our thrift shopping on a dodgy aley somewhere in the middle of the city at 3am in the morning 

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  Lets talk about our travel plans, the endless train route across Indonesia
  Lets talk about how we are just another two individuals emerging from a painful past relationship
  Lets talk about the possibility of us finding comfort in one another
  Lets talk about our family and siblings, the shared pressure of being number one
  Lets talk about our concern for the future - the not knowing of what to become of us in the next few years 

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  Lets talk about us. 

• Lets talk about this Thursday, the day like any other day
  And maybe Thursday will be just another day
  And maybe other days will be our Thursday

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Of darkness and nightmares - Aishah Kazman

Are you afraid of the dark? I do.
In fact the moment I close my eyes is when the fears come creeping in, slowly rising beneath my skin and into the bones, aches through the neurons of my brain. See, in fact I am really afraid of the dark. They said that beware of the monsters that lurks under your bed, ready to snatch your feet as your turn off the light. But my kind of monster exist the moment I close my eyes blinding me with flashbacks of the past, slashing my heart into pieces to the nightmares it caused. This monster forces me to watch old memories and remember the emotions I used to feel. The emotions I felt with you. The feelings I shared with you. 

We were full of it - once. Love, lust and everything else. 

I am afraid of the dark - still afraid now. I wonder if you ever woke up in cold sweat and teary eyes to the nightmares at night. I wonder if the monsters ever creeps on you. I wonder if you have that kind of monsters that lurks under your eyelids the moment you close them. Maybe you are not haunted by the memories that leaves you heartache in the morning. Maybe you dont, maybe you do. 

I am afraid of the dark. I still do. I get little jumps when someone touches me on the soft spots where you used to leave your marks on. I still get agitated when I am reminded of a certain places we used to go. I am still fragile when it comes to giving my heart out to someone else. 

I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of you. I am afraid of myself.

No title - Aishah Kazman

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  I am on the verge of giving up, to go back into retreat unfer the warm and comfortable blanket that envelops me into a world far away from this ignorant world I know now. A world where no one care, a world where people don't bother to pick up calls and a world that never bother to stop and offer me a warm hug just when I most needed.
  I am on the verge of destroying myself again. Losing hope on myself and relieving the insanity I once held on to. I know that no matter how hard I try keeping up this straight face showing everyone the independent woman I am to the world, I would always go back at night and wet my pillow with tears. And sometimes the tears wont stop even in my dreams.
  Because everything is so fucked up and I am losing my grip on the things around me.
  My indepence, my sanity and my state of mind.

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Commitments - Aishah Kazman

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  I don't do long term commitments - the idea of being bonded to something or someone for a long period of time scares me. That is why I am lacking of high school friends in my list of contacts. And that is why when you ask me about my childhood friend I took some time to think of one. The thing is I am scared to give myself and bonded into a connection with another soul that I am unsure if it's going to last forever. It's like when you keep buying a certain kind of ice cream for every single day and one day you found out that they don't produce that particular ice cream anymore. No matter how hard you try to find an ice cream with the same flavor it will still be a different ice cream
  
  The idea of forever ever after only exist in fairy tales among princesses and princes. Because like it or not, I am not Snow White and you are not my prince charming on a handsome white horse. You don't find me while I am feeding the birds and mouse. 

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  More exactly, you found me while I am feeding myself. With the food we explored together and the feeling of comfort you transmitted from your deep laugh. You found out how long it takes me to finish a bowl of Mac and cheese and how my eyes lighten up to the sight of fresh noodles.
  You found a lot of other side of me. And I found more sides of you as well. Now, you are beginning to look like a round character in this narrative of mine and I am beginning to get worried.
  Because I may be sticking to you a little bit closer now. And yes, I am scared of that.
  But for now let just see how it goes.

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Shelter - Aishah Kazman

As every beat of sound travel through the sphere of my tangled earphones

vibrating nervous vibe to every inch of my skin
Carrying emotions through my veins 

to which my brain could not process

Longing
Missing
Regret
Rindu
Sadness
Longing

I don't know how exactly should I put it into words

I'm trying not to be affected by the words of this song and yet, it lingers

bringing a little bit of your presence with every step i make

imagining your stare burn right through me

 haunting me with the guilt that i have 

' you are the sun in my sky '

' and I'll be there when you fall '

' I'll be your shelter '

Lies lies lies
Promises being said, but in the end
My foolish self destroyed every hope in your heart
How heartless of me
Not even our pinky promise
Could ever turn back time
Or even change my mind

Sorry would never change a thing

I will not cry to this song
No matter how painful my heart feels

MuchMellow - Aishah Kazman

I found the perfect playlist the other day, it's called MuchMellow. The Jason Mraz and Birdy seems to be singing along well with my heart, Taylor Swift and Coldplay seems to be hitting off perfectly with that little cold spot on my heart, Ruth B and Tracy Chapman managed to create this tiny trembles under my skin as I try to force my mind into a happy state and being sane.
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And after a tearful singing session did I only realized that these were the songs that I used to sing awkwardly in the passenger seat of your car en route to our short weekend getaway. After wiping off the running mascara  streaks from my cheeks did I remembered that these were the songs that I sang and sent to you via voice note after every long class.After forcing myself to sit straight up in my bed did I realized that these were the songs we used to sing our hearts out to in that midnight traffic jam on new year's eve.
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But it's okay, I will still put a golden star to this playlist. Because the memory that comes with it are something worth remembering
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Maybe next time, I will laugh to the songs instead of crying with it.

A review : PEKAK

So I saw this article regarding a recent local movie which has sparks numerous response to it. Some bad, some good some even condemning the movie. Now, I am not an avid fan of local movie but I have been eyeing this particular once since the trailer was released. Maybe because of the line of actors which I think has a great strength in terms of acting and also the story line ( from what its being shown in the trailer that is ). So I did, I went to watch the movie on the first day it was released. And here's my response towards the movie itself and also the article as per attached to this one.Before I go any further, let me remind you that this is an opinion from myself and I am not saying my opinion is the right one nor condemning the opinion of the blog author is the wrong one. 

So, keep your mind open and let's go :) 

1. Inappropriateness of language and action 

The blog author comments on how obnoxious we are towards some of the languages used and action shown in the movie. How it is inappropriate for teenagers to witness that in a cinema and how he is scared that those audience laughing at the back would go home and actually think ' oh heroin sounds like a good idea'. Well, I am not denying the fact that yes, movies has a big impact towards how the society acts and think. But again, if you watch the movie in a different perspective think of it as a reality check of how what's being shown in the movie is actually happening in that kind of place.Whether we like it or not, without and with the influence of this particular movie, teenagers are doing underage sex, teenagers are skipping school, teenagers are taking drugs. And let me emphasize here that I am not encouraging all these acts in fact I would be furious if I would have known anyone of my circle of friends would be involve in something like this. 

Undeniably, what he said about the catchphrase used in the movie would stick on among the young ones is true. I cannot deny the fact that it is one of the negative impact from a movie towards the society just like other previous movies/dramas? I am not saying only locals but also internationals on how it has infected our minds and affected our actions. But again, this is another big topic discuss and I shall rest my case on this one here. What we can do now? Educate the younger ones, our friends that there are certain things from what we watch may not be permissible in our society.

2. Portraying the reality? 

As what Sharifah Armani had said in one interview ( I think its from MELETOP ) , the movie portrays the real situation that is happening among children in places like low cost houses and flats. And I feel like the blog author should be wiser in this context knowing his experience in the matter. So throwing away the vulgar languages and inappropriate actions  shown, what is the message that lies within? Should we as society take action on this? Or should we just continue with our lives like that part of society does not exist. What is the moral value? That parents should be more attentive to their children? That we should not exploit the OKUs? That some law acts should be reinforce on this misbehave teenagers? Or are we turning blind and deaf towards all this? 

In the article, the author said that he went out before the movie ends. So he might missed out the most important part of the movie where here lies the main message of the whole inappropriate-ness of the movie. Towards the ending, the movie discusses about how drugs can affect your action, your relationship and your judgement.Someone gets OD,someone was raped ans someone died. Yes, I do admit that certain scenes towards the end are a little bit too viscous? Gore? Inappropriate? I can't find the exact word for it to be honest. But let me tell you something, that scene where Melur was raped was a little too much for me and I can't help thinking if there's a hundred more 'Melur' out there.If there's a hundred more 'Azman' out there? What is the exact number of youths that we have lost to drugs? What are the potentials that they have missed to drugs? And IF, with proper guidance what success can we make our from them. And IF, we as society actually put our hands into this matter would it be better?

3. The technical part 

One thing I agree with the author is the loopholes surrounding the plot. I do wish that the maker would emphasize more on the back story rather than just a story of 'how to get laid with drugs'.Like how Uda first gets involved in this drug dealing business? How is Melur's relationship with her mother and if it actually has a certain impact towards her attitude? But overall it is an amazing movie,made better with the amazing line of actors. I especially love the cinematography of the movie, the choice location is just wonderful. ( let me know if you know the location of the old train station okay )

Either way, it is a work of art. And art is subjective. When you are the audience, you choose whether you want to view that art with an open heart or an enclosed mind. I chose the first and went back with a million IF's swimming in my little mind that day. So you choose, what kind of audience you want to be but choose wisely :) 

Read : The article mentioned in my post