A Thursday Affair - Aishah Kazman

• 
  
  Like most days, our Thursday starts with a simple beginning
  I cant talk about how it first started because in all honesty I cant exactly remember how
  But it started with a genuine full of honesty friendship that eventually blooms into something else
  Something in the line of being confusing yet cheeky at the same time
  But I like our Thursday, and there is no denying of how much I cherished our Thursdays together
  So let's talk about Thursday
  
  Lets talk about Thursday before the sun dies out
  Lets talk about your favorite radio station that plays weird indie music after twelve - adding that euphoric vibe for our midnight drive 

• 
  Lets talk about the time when we sat and talked about the most random topics on the wet grounds of independence square right in the parallel line of where Charmander would be found
  Lets talk about the night we spent chasing a big silver dragon Pokemon ( which I can't seem to remember the name ) around PJ when both of use are supposed to teach the next morning
  Lets talk about how we discovered our common grounds in food and cheap clothes
  Lets talk the random food hunting we had all around town
  Lets talk about our thrift shopping on a dodgy aley somewhere in the middle of the city at 3am in the morning 

• 
  Lets talk about our travel plans, the endless train route across Indonesia
  Lets talk about how we are just another two individuals emerging from a painful past relationship
  Lets talk about the possibility of us finding comfort in one another
  Lets talk about our family and siblings, the shared pressure of being number one
  Lets talk about our concern for the future - the not knowing of what to become of us in the next few years 

• 
  Lets talk about us. 

• Lets talk about this Thursday, the day like any other day
  And maybe Thursday will be just another day
  And maybe other days will be our Thursday

Like

Of darkness and nightmares - Aishah Kazman

Are you afraid of the dark? I do.
In fact the moment I close my eyes is when the fears come creeping in, slowly rising beneath my skin and into the bones, aches through the neurons of my brain. See, in fact I am really afraid of the dark. They said that beware of the monsters that lurks under your bed, ready to snatch your feet as your turn off the light. But my kind of monster exist the moment I close my eyes blinding me with flashbacks of the past, slashing my heart into pieces to the nightmares it caused. This monster forces me to watch old memories and remember the emotions I used to feel. The emotions I felt with you. The feelings I shared with you. 

We were full of it - once. Love, lust and everything else. 

I am afraid of the dark - still afraid now. I wonder if you ever woke up in cold sweat and teary eyes to the nightmares at night. I wonder if the monsters ever creeps on you. I wonder if you have that kind of monsters that lurks under your eyelids the moment you close them. Maybe you are not haunted by the memories that leaves you heartache in the morning. Maybe you dont, maybe you do. 

I am afraid of the dark. I still do. I get little jumps when someone touches me on the soft spots where you used to leave your marks on. I still get agitated when I am reminded of a certain places we used to go. I am still fragile when it comes to giving my heart out to someone else. 

I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of you. I am afraid of myself.

No title - Aishah Kazman

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  I am on the verge of giving up, to go back into retreat unfer the warm and comfortable blanket that envelops me into a world far away from this ignorant world I know now. A world where no one care, a world where people don't bother to pick up calls and a world that never bother to stop and offer me a warm hug just when I most needed.
  I am on the verge of destroying myself again. Losing hope on myself and relieving the insanity I once held on to. I know that no matter how hard I try keeping up this straight face showing everyone the independent woman I am to the world, I would always go back at night and wet my pillow with tears. And sometimes the tears wont stop even in my dreams.
  Because everything is so fucked up and I am losing my grip on the things around me.
  My indepence, my sanity and my state of mind.

Like

Commitments - Aishah Kazman

• 
  
  I don't do long term commitments - the idea of being bonded to something or someone for a long period of time scares me. That is why I am lacking of high school friends in my list of contacts. And that is why when you ask me about my childhood friend I took some time to think of one. The thing is I am scared to give myself and bonded into a connection with another soul that I am unsure if it's going to last forever. It's like when you keep buying a certain kind of ice cream for every single day and one day you found out that they don't produce that particular ice cream anymore. No matter how hard you try to find an ice cream with the same flavor it will still be a different ice cream
  
  The idea of forever ever after only exist in fairy tales among princesses and princes. Because like it or not, I am not Snow White and you are not my prince charming on a handsome white horse. You don't find me while I am feeding the birds and mouse. 

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  More exactly, you found me while I am feeding myself. With the food we explored together and the feeling of comfort you transmitted from your deep laugh. You found out how long it takes me to finish a bowl of Mac and cheese and how my eyes lighten up to the sight of fresh noodles.
  You found a lot of other side of me. And I found more sides of you as well. Now, you are beginning to look like a round character in this narrative of mine and I am beginning to get worried.
  Because I may be sticking to you a little bit closer now. And yes, I am scared of that.
  But for now let just see how it goes.

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MuchMellow - Aishah Kazman

I found the perfect playlist the other day, it's called MuchMellow. The Jason Mraz and Birdy seems to be singing along well with my heart, Taylor Swift and Coldplay seems to be hitting off perfectly with that little cold spot on my heart, Ruth B and Tracy Chapman managed to create this tiny trembles under my skin as I try to force my mind into a happy state and being sane.
.
And after a tearful singing session did I only realized that these were the songs that I used to sing awkwardly in the passenger seat of your car en route to our short weekend getaway. After wiping off the running mascara  streaks from my cheeks did I remembered that these were the songs that I sang and sent to you via voice note after every long class.After forcing myself to sit straight up in my bed did I realized that these were the songs we used to sing our hearts out to in that midnight traffic jam on new year's eve.
.
But it's okay, I will still put a golden star to this playlist. Because the memory that comes with it are something worth remembering
.
Maybe next time, I will laugh to the songs instead of crying with it.

The song you hate the most - Aishah Kazman

Have you ever listened to a song and every words seems to be singing about you, every beat mimmics the rhythm of your heart and the melody leaves this fluttering feeling in your tummy. Just as the singer come to the chorus, the words reminds you of the words that used to narrates your life how it makes your heart tightens just to the thought of it as you force yourself to stay sane and ignore the brimming tears under the half closed eyelids as your brain trying hard to understand this strange feeling you're having right now
.
And then you realized
it was - -  the song
.
The song both of you used to sing in the car
Before you go separate ways
And that's how even the sweetest song
Become a bitter poison that kills the soul of a heartbroken girl

Wings - Aishah Kazman

When I was twelve,
I watched lonely planet a lot
Back then astro was
quite a new thing for us
so to have the world shown to you
by a little box at home was something amazing
The way Ian and Asha
explored every inch of the world
triggers this little bug in me
that says
' I want to do that too someday '

When I was seventeen
I was about to finish high school
with the dream that
I will be flying out in no time
I imagined myself
on a green fields somewhere
in a campus
where it is 8c all year round
I spoke a lot about leaving
  and do things I want to do

When I was twenty
I watched updates
on the Instagram of friends
in different places of the globe.
I envied those grabbing chances
I couldn't
and experiencing things
I can only imagine of
I developed hatred and jealousy
on others for chasing their dreams

When I was twentytwo
and still loyal to my nation
I talked about conquering the map again
This time I can almost feel
that it will happen soon
I can almost taste the air
where they eat cheese for breakfast
and smell the soil
where snow melts in spring
But along with that courage
comes obligations and constrictions

When will I finally be chasing my dreams?
I know for sure it's not here
its somewhere out there
between the coordinates

Maybe if I believe hard enough
I'll spread my wings
and catch those dreams
from ten years and more

Sick - Aishah Kazman

It sickens me how an individual’s life can be determined by merely how many likes on a picture and how many people commented “ Oh god girl, your brows are on fleek!”

It sickens me how success can be determined by how much money you have in your bank and where you seek for medical care.

It sickens me how we glorify people based on their deeds on the screens when we do not know their real intention.

It sickens me when people questioned someone deeds when we did not know what he did was out of pure compassion.

It sickens me how we always think that ‘we know it all’ when the one up there is the only one who have knowledge of everything and everyone.

It sickens me when I could not find Him among all this confusion and sadness.

It sickens me to know that He has always been there for me, since the day I was born. 

Love Bug - Aishah Kazman

Dear you,

Yup, you over there.

I am mesmerized by the way your aqua blue eyes twinkle at me

The way your lashes flutters as your face break into a smile

The way you look at me and how butterflies magically appear in my tummy

Oh you yes you, I am falling for you  - hard

The moment you said ‘ excuse me ‘ before squeezing out from the packed rush hour train

Dear you,

Yes you with the grey slacks and white polo

For the 5 minutes I stood behind you

I could not feel the weight of my grocery basket nor did I feel tired of waiting in line

Because the sight of your back and your broad shoulder is something I could stare all day

The way you sneaked a glance to me and flashed that cute dimple on your cheek

Oh dear, I almost fall face first right there in the checkout counter in Tesco

Dear you,

Yes you the one with red cap on behind the counter

I know the moment I stood in line for my weekly grease fix

You would be someone significant to my life

The way you greet me with that fancy smile and twinkle in your eyes

Oh boy, can I just place an order for you instead of the fillet o fish?

Dear you,

Yeah I’m talking about you Z

When you texted me that night as I was deeply fixed to Love and other drugs

I almost imagine how my life would be if I were to be Anne Hathaway and you will as successful as Jake Gyllenhall

Your ‘ hey, lunch tomorrow? ‘ gave me trembles in my finger as I try to figure out what should I reply you

Dear you,

Yes you sir, the one who took my heart away five years ago

When you said your first hey to me that one evening

And how we stick close to one another for the next five years

The way you look into my eyes and wipe my tears when I cry

The way you agree on bringing me everywhere and give me roses every now and then

Are just some of why I fall for you – losing myself in between

Dear you,

Yes you,

Don’t be scared when your cheek burns because that guy with the aqua blue eyes said ‘excuse me’ at the train station

Don’t be sacred when your tummy did a back flip when the guy with a cute dimple smiled at you in the check-out counter

Don’t be scared when your flesh burns when the cute waiter at McDonalds accidently brush your fingers while handling you your Fillet o Fish

Don’t be scared when your fingers tremble when the new guy from work texted you ‘ have lunch with me tomorrow? ‘

Don’t be scared when the guy you have went out with twice asked it you would like to go serious with him

And don’t be scared when your mind says ‘ uh oh, we are falling in love! ‘

Dear you,

Stop the panic attack now.

Because falling in love is perfectly fine

Because feeling the blush in your cheeks are part of your body natural process

Because that tummy backflip and the tremble in your fingers

Are all saying that you are just another human being

Who had just got bitten by the love bug.

Plastic Stars - Aishah Kazman

When I was nine,
I used to have the whole universe pasted on the ceiling of my bedroom,
glowing dimly
soothing me into a deep sleep every single night
The visible splendors of twinkling lights
makes me ponder on the world beyond
If one day I would look at the same star and feel the same way

Now at the age of twenty two
I begin to feel the pressure of life
How my mind clusters in a chaotic mess
trying to make the best
for the unknown future ten years

Oh darling,
when you came with that twinkle in your eyes
brighter than the any stars
Radiating warmth to my cold heart
I almost melt to the ground there and then
Falling into the depth of your pool
of dreams and shared secrets

Comparing you to the 88 constellations
would be an understatement on its own
Because every freckles on your face
and the long scar on your ankle
tells a story 88 times better than what ancient Greek can ever do
The way our words overlapped with each other
and the way your kiss sucked the breath out of me
Made me believe that finally the stars are aligned for us
That finally even the angels in heaven look down upon us with jealousy
on how pure our love lights up brighter than those sparkling fireworks in January

But darling,
Even stars would collide into each other creating explosions and destroying lives
in its immediate visions

After half a decade of admiring clusters of stars on lonely nights
I finally realized that there are fault in our stars

The little holes that I missed when your words creates harmony between heaven and earth
That tiny chip that I over looked when your kiss makes my heart stops and my breath shortens

Oh darling,
You are the fault in my stars

We may have shared our deepest secrets and promised on lifelong dreams
But little had I realized that the connection I thought we had
was insignificant

On which universe did we possibly collide into one another?

When I love hawker stalls but you prefer fancy restaurants
When I look for challenges but you prefer comfort
When I talk a lot but you keep your words to yourself

You on its own are a great mystery to me
No matter how hard I tried
The twinkling in your eyes are no where to found
cause nowdays all I can see is the sharp red of hell burning in your eyes
craving for
cheap love and quick lust
your hand sprawling around my waist
looking for the touch shooting you up in heavens and pushing me down to hell
your fingers traces
the tiny constellations on my naked back
Illuminated by the dim blue light on the 23rd floor
Your voice whispers
love songs to my ears making my all my senses alight
But no matter how I shuddered and cried and scream
You took no notice of the tears stream

Now, I still stare at the yellow neon of stars in the ceiling of my room
But it's no longer soothing me to sleep
Because I finally realize how the stars are just a bunch of cheap plastic
That will never glow brighter that a real star

Just like what we had
A bunch of cheap love and clusters of fake lust

Never brighter than what I had wish upon the star

Eternal love - Aishah Kazman

No tittle - Aishah Kazman

Red roses - Aishah Kazman

Dear stranger... - Aishah Kazman

Addiction

It's hard going back to you
When you are the introduction
To my endless sinful addiction
The devil on my left shoulder, be thankful to you

Landmines - Aishah Kazman

You know what Hazel Grace once said to Augustus Walters?
Dont love me,I'm a fucking grenade
Well I could definitely relate to being
An explosive dangerous life threatening metaphor

Because I am a landmine

You get to close and I'll explode
Taking lives and blowing hopes

Dont you understand
Haven't you see it yet

From all the heartbreaks
And lost connections
Ive killed your soul,more than once
But you stayed

I am not the commitment type
Never am, never was
Not before, not even now
The thought of stripping myself naked
For everyone to have a view of my soul
Shudders me, brings me nightmares

I love you but I cant
I want you but I cant
I miss you but I cant
I long for you but I cant

Cause im a freaking landmine
Ill hurt you again
And again

So it's better for us to have distance

3am - Aishah Kazman

Another Nobody - Aishah Kazman

No tittle - Aishah Kazman

Dream - Aishah Kazman