BODOH - Aishah Kazman

I remember a lot of things from my childhood

like how I would keep all the 10 cents just to buy gula gula hantu from the makcik in sekolah agama

how I would visit the library every recess just to borrow another of the Enid Blyton series

how I would purposely switch off the shower lights just to hear my brother scream in fear for the momok that would come out from the mirror or the way my parents would bring us kids for heavenly tomyam just by the petrol station opposite to my school

those are my happy memories, the ones that I would cherish forever

but I also remember how I was told that the shirt I am wearing is too grey for me

or I should sweep the floor more cause I have baby fats around my waist, how I never get full score in my maths cause my brain does not work properly

how I am just careless when it was not even my fault that the window broke

and this I remember

aishah ni bodoh kan?

I could not exactly recall on what occasion does that happen but it was a remark made to the fact that I am just another clumsy kid who has extra inches on her waist and has never get the top 5 in class up to standard 5

a simple comment that are nailed harshly to my brain forcing me to believe that indeed I was bodoh

bodoh bodoh bodoh ( sing song )

eh tahu tak, aishah ni bodoh tak macam….. ( mocking )

him. a supposedly blood related human being whom gets compared to this unfortunate self all of our lives

him, the idea of a perfect child with excellent grades and mountain high ego to match with

him, the idea of perfection that I am supposed to follow close behind although I can never be one step ahead

him, the one who called me bodoh

my childhood were always about me being compared to him. the emotional trauma of an eight year old girl has cause he to lose the ability to have a decent conversation with another human beings, that she cant even look the teacher in her eyes for the fear of being called up, that she avoid being in any societies or clubs because she is scared of achieving anything, that she could not order a simple vanilla sundae without rehearsing her order a million times ahead

my childhood was not all fairytales and princess cause the evil sorcerer and scary looking witch with ever annoying voice will always haunts me with their story of how this sorcerer are achieving so many things that they have lost count. No matter how much my King and Queen console me their words are still etched in my childhood memories leaving trails of consciousness and low esteem

  

eh tahu tak aishah ni memang bodoh sebab….. ( mocking )

do you have any slightest idea how that one day during Science class when I was called by the school counselor because a friend reported that I am being suicidal

do you have any slightest idea how I looked up on google of the five steps how to have a conversation with friends

do you have any idea that I had always deny any relation to you because I have never felt like I am worth enough to be a family

do you have any memory of how in every gatherings that I would spent making myself busy with the adults back in the kitchen secretly longing to be out there with the others laughing at some silly youtube videos

do  you have any memory of how you boast about taking over this empire that our dads have built together and never once allow me the chance to take up what is mine

because life revolve around you and you alone

and yes, talking about you left this bitter taste on my tongue, how my bile rises with disgust that I have once allow myself to be weak in your eyes.

True, aishah ni memang bodoh

that it took me half of my life to actually realize that it is not of my obligation to be shadowed by you

that my potential are limitless although it may take me a million tries to get the right order in 

McDonalds

that I can be anyone I want to a journalist a writer a traveler

that I can be ME