A Thursday Affair - Aishah Kazman

• 
  
  Like most days, our Thursday starts with a simple beginning
  I cant talk about how it first started because in all honesty I cant exactly remember how
  But it started with a genuine full of honesty friendship that eventually blooms into something else
  Something in the line of being confusing yet cheeky at the same time
  But I like our Thursday, and there is no denying of how much I cherished our Thursdays together
  So let's talk about Thursday
  
  Lets talk about Thursday before the sun dies out
  Lets talk about your favorite radio station that plays weird indie music after twelve - adding that euphoric vibe for our midnight drive 

• 
  Lets talk about the time when we sat and talked about the most random topics on the wet grounds of independence square right in the parallel line of where Charmander would be found
  Lets talk about the night we spent chasing a big silver dragon Pokemon ( which I can't seem to remember the name ) around PJ when both of use are supposed to teach the next morning
  Lets talk about how we discovered our common grounds in food and cheap clothes
  Lets talk the random food hunting we had all around town
  Lets talk about our thrift shopping on a dodgy aley somewhere in the middle of the city at 3am in the morning 

• 
  Lets talk about our travel plans, the endless train route across Indonesia
  Lets talk about how we are just another two individuals emerging from a painful past relationship
  Lets talk about the possibility of us finding comfort in one another
  Lets talk about our family and siblings, the shared pressure of being number one
  Lets talk about our concern for the future - the not knowing of what to become of us in the next few years 

• 
  Lets talk about us. 

• Lets talk about this Thursday, the day like any other day
  And maybe Thursday will be just another day
  And maybe other days will be our Thursday

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Of darkness and nightmares - Aishah Kazman

Are you afraid of the dark? I do.
In fact the moment I close my eyes is when the fears come creeping in, slowly rising beneath my skin and into the bones, aches through the neurons of my brain. See, in fact I am really afraid of the dark. They said that beware of the monsters that lurks under your bed, ready to snatch your feet as your turn off the light. But my kind of monster exist the moment I close my eyes blinding me with flashbacks of the past, slashing my heart into pieces to the nightmares it caused. This monster forces me to watch old memories and remember the emotions I used to feel. The emotions I felt with you. The feelings I shared with you. 

We were full of it - once. Love, lust and everything else. 

I am afraid of the dark - still afraid now. I wonder if you ever woke up in cold sweat and teary eyes to the nightmares at night. I wonder if the monsters ever creeps on you. I wonder if you have that kind of monsters that lurks under your eyelids the moment you close them. Maybe you are not haunted by the memories that leaves you heartache in the morning. Maybe you dont, maybe you do. 

I am afraid of the dark. I still do. I get little jumps when someone touches me on the soft spots where you used to leave your marks on. I still get agitated when I am reminded of a certain places we used to go. I am still fragile when it comes to giving my heart out to someone else. 

I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of you. I am afraid of myself.

No title - Aishah Kazman

• 
  
  I am on the verge of giving up, to go back into retreat unfer the warm and comfortable blanket that envelops me into a world far away from this ignorant world I know now. A world where no one care, a world where people don't bother to pick up calls and a world that never bother to stop and offer me a warm hug just when I most needed.
  I am on the verge of destroying myself again. Losing hope on myself and relieving the insanity I once held on to. I know that no matter how hard I try keeping up this straight face showing everyone the independent woman I am to the world, I would always go back at night and wet my pillow with tears. And sometimes the tears wont stop even in my dreams.
  Because everything is so fucked up and I am losing my grip on the things around me.
  My indepence, my sanity and my state of mind.

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Commitments - Aishah Kazman

• 
  
  I don't do long term commitments - the idea of being bonded to something or someone for a long period of time scares me. That is why I am lacking of high school friends in my list of contacts. And that is why when you ask me about my childhood friend I took some time to think of one. The thing is I am scared to give myself and bonded into a connection with another soul that I am unsure if it's going to last forever. It's like when you keep buying a certain kind of ice cream for every single day and one day you found out that they don't produce that particular ice cream anymore. No matter how hard you try to find an ice cream with the same flavor it will still be a different ice cream
  
  The idea of forever ever after only exist in fairy tales among princesses and princes. Because like it or not, I am not Snow White and you are not my prince charming on a handsome white horse. You don't find me while I am feeding the birds and mouse. 

• 
  More exactly, you found me while I am feeding myself. With the food we explored together and the feeling of comfort you transmitted from your deep laugh. You found out how long it takes me to finish a bowl of Mac and cheese and how my eyes lighten up to the sight of fresh noodles.
  You found a lot of other side of me. And I found more sides of you as well. Now, you are beginning to look like a round character in this narrative of mine and I am beginning to get worried.
  Because I may be sticking to you a little bit closer now. And yes, I am scared of that.
  But for now let just see how it goes.

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Shelter - Aishah Kazman

As every beat of sound travel through the sphere of my tangled earphones

vibrating nervous vibe to every inch of my skin
Carrying emotions through my veins 

to which my brain could not process

Longing
Missing
Regret
Rindu
Sadness
Longing

I don't know how exactly should I put it into words

I'm trying not to be affected by the words of this song and yet, it lingers

bringing a little bit of your presence with every step i make

imagining your stare burn right through me

 haunting me with the guilt that i have 

' you are the sun in my sky '

' and I'll be there when you fall '

' I'll be your shelter '

Lies lies lies
Promises being said, but in the end
My foolish self destroyed every hope in your heart
How heartless of me
Not even our pinky promise
Could ever turn back time
Or even change my mind

Sorry would never change a thing

I will not cry to this song
No matter how painful my heart feels

MuchMellow - Aishah Kazman

I found the perfect playlist the other day, it's called MuchMellow. The Jason Mraz and Birdy seems to be singing along well with my heart, Taylor Swift and Coldplay seems to be hitting off perfectly with that little cold spot on my heart, Ruth B and Tracy Chapman managed to create this tiny trembles under my skin as I try to force my mind into a happy state and being sane.
.
And after a tearful singing session did I only realized that these were the songs that I used to sing awkwardly in the passenger seat of your car en route to our short weekend getaway. After wiping off the running mascara  streaks from my cheeks did I remembered that these were the songs that I sang and sent to you via voice note after every long class.After forcing myself to sit straight up in my bed did I realized that these were the songs we used to sing our hearts out to in that midnight traffic jam on new year's eve.
.
But it's okay, I will still put a golden star to this playlist. Because the memory that comes with it are something worth remembering
.
Maybe next time, I will laugh to the songs instead of crying with it.

A review : PEKAK

So I saw this article regarding a recent local movie which has sparks numerous response to it. Some bad, some good some even condemning the movie. Now, I am not an avid fan of local movie but I have been eyeing this particular once since the trailer was released. Maybe because of the line of actors which I think has a great strength in terms of acting and also the story line ( from what its being shown in the trailer that is ). So I did, I went to watch the movie on the first day it was released. And here's my response towards the movie itself and also the article as per attached to this one.Before I go any further, let me remind you that this is an opinion from myself and I am not saying my opinion is the right one nor condemning the opinion of the blog author is the wrong one. 

So, keep your mind open and let's go :) 

1. Inappropriateness of language and action 

The blog author comments on how obnoxious we are towards some of the languages used and action shown in the movie. How it is inappropriate for teenagers to witness that in a cinema and how he is scared that those audience laughing at the back would go home and actually think ' oh heroin sounds like a good idea'. Well, I am not denying the fact that yes, movies has a big impact towards how the society acts and think. But again, if you watch the movie in a different perspective think of it as a reality check of how what's being shown in the movie is actually happening in that kind of place.Whether we like it or not, without and with the influence of this particular movie, teenagers are doing underage sex, teenagers are skipping school, teenagers are taking drugs. And let me emphasize here that I am not encouraging all these acts in fact I would be furious if I would have known anyone of my circle of friends would be involve in something like this. 

Undeniably, what he said about the catchphrase used in the movie would stick on among the young ones is true. I cannot deny the fact that it is one of the negative impact from a movie towards the society just like other previous movies/dramas? I am not saying only locals but also internationals on how it has infected our minds and affected our actions. But again, this is another big topic discuss and I shall rest my case on this one here. What we can do now? Educate the younger ones, our friends that there are certain things from what we watch may not be permissible in our society.

2. Portraying the reality? 

As what Sharifah Armani had said in one interview ( I think its from MELETOP ) , the movie portrays the real situation that is happening among children in places like low cost houses and flats. And I feel like the blog author should be wiser in this context knowing his experience in the matter. So throwing away the vulgar languages and inappropriate actions  shown, what is the message that lies within? Should we as society take action on this? Or should we just continue with our lives like that part of society does not exist. What is the moral value? That parents should be more attentive to their children? That we should not exploit the OKUs? That some law acts should be reinforce on this misbehave teenagers? Or are we turning blind and deaf towards all this? 

In the article, the author said that he went out before the movie ends. So he might missed out the most important part of the movie where here lies the main message of the whole inappropriate-ness of the movie. Towards the ending, the movie discusses about how drugs can affect your action, your relationship and your judgement.Someone gets OD,someone was raped ans someone died. Yes, I do admit that certain scenes towards the end are a little bit too viscous? Gore? Inappropriate? I can't find the exact word for it to be honest. But let me tell you something, that scene where Melur was raped was a little too much for me and I can't help thinking if there's a hundred more 'Melur' out there.If there's a hundred more 'Azman' out there? What is the exact number of youths that we have lost to drugs? What are the potentials that they have missed to drugs? And IF, with proper guidance what success can we make our from them. And IF, we as society actually put our hands into this matter would it be better?

3. The technical part 

One thing I agree with the author is the loopholes surrounding the plot. I do wish that the maker would emphasize more on the back story rather than just a story of 'how to get laid with drugs'.Like how Uda first gets involved in this drug dealing business? How is Melur's relationship with her mother and if it actually has a certain impact towards her attitude? But overall it is an amazing movie,made better with the amazing line of actors. I especially love the cinematography of the movie, the choice location is just wonderful. ( let me know if you know the location of the old train station okay )

Either way, it is a work of art. And art is subjective. When you are the audience, you choose whether you want to view that art with an open heart or an enclosed mind. I chose the first and went back with a million IF's swimming in my little mind that day. So you choose, what kind of audience you want to be but choose wisely :) 

Read : The article mentioned in my post

The song you hate the most - Aishah Kazman

Have you ever listened to a song and every words seems to be singing about you, every beat mimmics the rhythm of your heart and the melody leaves this fluttering feeling in your tummy. Just as the singer come to the chorus, the words reminds you of the words that used to narrates your life how it makes your heart tightens just to the thought of it as you force yourself to stay sane and ignore the brimming tears under the half closed eyelids as your brain trying hard to understand this strange feeling you're having right now
.
And then you realized
it was - -  the song
.
The song both of you used to sing in the car
Before you go separate ways
And that's how even the sweetest song
Become a bitter poison that kills the soul of a heartbroken girl

Teaching Practical Reflections - Week 7

Week 7, that means I have roughly 4 more weeks to go. Booking myself for a trip once this is over, like seriously I need a break.

This week, we focused on Literature ( essay questions ) , Language Skills ( 'wh' questions and report essay ) and Grammar ( diphthongs ) . Oh and did I mentioned the endless drama practice? Yeah.

Literature ( essay questions ) 

When I gave the students two essay questions last week and a bunch of them coming to me ' teacheeerrr how to start this? ' , I know I had to do something about it.We discussed on plot and character of the drama " A Night Out ' , with tips and tricks on how to answer an exam based questions correctly. Good thing, even some of the naughty boys have started asking me how to do the question, brownie points for the teacher!

Discussed questions :

1. Draw a plot diagram based on the drama ' A Night Out ' that you have learned. ( 10 marks )

- I had to relate this part to their own drama production and the narrative story that they did last week, as some of them seems to be really clueless about parts of plot ( really?! )
- I divided the students into four groups and each group discussed on important events that happened in each scene ( there's four scenes in the drama )
- They proceed to write down the events on the plot diagram that I have drawn on the board

2. Based on the drama ' A Night Out ' , choose ONE character that you feel is more noble. State your reasons. ( 10 marks )

- For this part, I gave them a step-by-step on how to answer an exam based literature questions. Again, some seems to be really clueless on this. For teachers, you can check the latest update of PT3 literature format from the net, there's plenty.

Language Skills ( 'wh' questions and report essay ) 

- Students find a news excerpt and extract the 5 'wh' questions from it, then they write a report based on their finding.
- This activity has been modified for three time before it finally reach its perfection, eceh.
                   2B2 - I did not include any language skills, hence it was a speaking based activity ( no                          concrete output was achieved )
                   2A2 - I included the 'wh' questions and asked them to present their findings. ( I couldn't                        really measure the rate of success for this activity as not everyone presented )
                   2A5 - Students extract the 'wh' questions and write a report based on it. I taught the                              format briefly and gave them 30 mins to write the essay. No presentation was involved.

Overall, I am quite satisfied with the end result. However, while marking the papers I am quite bothered with some of the headlines that the students chose.

' Man molested his two year old daughter '
' Mum killed her two sons due to stress from divorce '
' political news '

I don't know, maybe its just me but I feel some of the news are too extreme for a 14 year old. What do you think?

Grammar ( Diphthongs ) 

I have been anticipating for this topic for weeks, thinking of ways to make it interesting and fun for the students. I know learning about syllables, phonics and diphthongs can be little bit confusing especially for young learners. After a night of watching Jimmy Fallon's game show called ' Catchphrase' on YouTube it inspired a game I call ' Buzzer Craze'.

Buzzer Craze :

-  Students compete in two pairs. They stand opposite to the competing pair around a table. A stack of question cards are placed in the middle of the table.
- Students pass around a buzzer ( I used my own phone for this ) ,after answering the question correctly.
- Students who are holding the buzzer when it ends, lose the game.

For the question cards, I prepared 40 pieces of random diphthongs with two examples beneath them. Students need to come out with ONE word based on the diphthongs written on their card.

And that is all folks for week 7, one more week to Drama Competition and four more weeks to the end of my teaching practical.

Here's the 'draft' version of trailer we did for 2B2 Drama Production. Teacher yang excited edit je ni hehe. 

Until then, toodles.

Teaching Practical here and there

What happened yesterday

Student : teacher can you take a boomerang of us? We want to post this in our drama insta. You know how to use right?
Me : oh okay..Sure, I know boomerang.
*after few failed boomerang*
Me : hahaha okay guys. I give up, I have no idea how to use this thing.
Students in unison : hahaha teacher but you are so young meh, funny lah you.

What happened today,

I have two rules in my class,

1. Speak English, and only English.
2. You shall show respect to everyone else in the classroom.

For the first rule, whenever a student speaks in other language I would warn them by saying ' languageeee'. After a while, students are used to me shouting language language language everywhere. After 6 weeks, I realized I dont have to shout language anymore, since other students are helping me to do so.

Case one :

Me : *writing something on the board/ heard a student speaking something in Chinese* Aaronnn ( not his real name )
Other students : languageee

Case two :

Me : *still writing something on the board*
Student : * shouting in Chinese to a friend across the class for something *
Other students : May ( not her real name ) languageeee
Student : oopps sorry teacher

Teaching Practical Reflection : Week 1

( This is a repost, I have deleted the old reflections. Sorry for being so unorganized ) 

It has been six days into my Teaching Practical ( Supposedly two weeks, minus the public holiday and exam days ) now. How am I feeling? Overwhelmed ; introduction to tired, introduction to disappointment, introduction to frustration. Every emotions that I am feeling right now , are just a  drop of the whole emotion. Who would have thought teaching can be so complicated to your own feelings?

So here are some of the reflections I had for the past six days in school.

    I realized that ‘normal skills ‘ are not enough to be a teacher. You need to have ‘teacher’s skills PRO ‘. Like seriously. I thought I can implement my past experience into class what hey behold, 14 year old are nowhere near to AIESEC newbies or young adults. As clueless as they may be, 14 year old needs a different skills to be handle.

2.       The face of your students can sometimes cause frustrations. Yes, we had simulated teaching before coming to the real school but conducting a class with some 6 playful, interactive and responsive students are nothing similar to this. Your lesson will be disturb by,

 “ CIkgu, bolehkah saya berjumpa xxx “

“Cikgu, bolehkah saya hantar buku in pada Cikgu xxx “

 “ walao wehh teacher, need to speak English also? “

 “Teacher, got PJ later no need learn lah “

3.       Organizing your lesson plan. All this while we had the privilege of finding variety of sources, materials for our lesson plan. Submit it to your lecture and there you go assignment is done. Now, you have to think about this one boy that will not move away from his place. This one girl that prefers doing ‘ keceriaan class’ rather than having English lesson. These two girls that never look you in your eye. This one noisy boy at the back of the class who always adds comments to your lesson. On top of that, you have to make sure to cover the language skills, grammar skills, the theme of the week, keep track of the home works- mark them and make sure students get it back by next week.

4.       I realized that lessons must go on despite whatever it is happening with you. You’re feeling sad? You’re having your PMS? You don’t feel like teaching? Students do not care about that at all. You are given this responsibility of teaching them of giving them some take away lesson that they can feel that it is worth it to be present in school that day. You try your best to make the lesson interactive, interesting and fun enough for the students so that they have at least something to look forward to for English class. You made rules that no one is allowed to speak in any language other than English in your class so that they have at least 1% effort of speaking in English. Students want to see your efforts, they don’t want to see the fragile side of you. Because it matters, because now you are a teacher – someone they look up to.

5.       Some students will be in their own world, no matter how hard you try to get their attention. It might be with their personality, it might be with their family background heck it might be because they are just not interested in school.

So there you go, if you ask me ‘ How’s your practical? this is my answer. 8 more weeks to go , hopefully my current perspective will change by then. InsyaAllah. I need all the support available, either amaze-balls food or just a shoulder to cry on. 

Teaching Practical Reflection : Week 4

It has been a month since I started teaching in CHS and I am still alive, thankfully.

So what happened last week? We focused on few things :  past tense, continuous tense and drama elements. For last week I experimented on a new approach in class by giving them more freedom in speaking and communicating in class. I noticed in the past few weeks, my students are not really giving any response whenever I ask them questions in class. But they communicate just fine among their friends. And I realized that maybe I am constricting them when it comes to talking in class because I am expecting the correct answer and not giving them the freedom to answer in from their point of view. Okay so I drafted out activities where they have the freedom to talk whatever they want in condition that they still speak in English. One of the activities was to create their own story as a class. I divide them into groups of four where they were given an element of drama each. Without consulting the other groups, they create their own points which then are combined afterwards. It was a funny and fun activity where students came up with illogical stories with adaptations from famous movies and cartoons. But most importantly, every single student spoke during the activity although I heard some native language here and there but they tried. One student even came up to me, teacher I really like this lesson. Can we do it again next week?

Another approach that I experimented was , giving instructions in class. I realized that I am not good at giving specific instructions which usually leads to a different outcome from each groups. For this, I did a simple power point slides which contains the instruction, expected outcome and time given.

 Example : Discuss on the drama element in your group. Come out with at least 4 points without referring to other group. ( 15 minutes )

What I got is similar outcome from the whole class and the students are more aware of the allocated time. So no more “ teacher what to do? / Teacher how long do we discuss this? / teacher why they discuss on different topic ? “

Next week, I’ll be experimenting on public speaking. Another problem with some of my students is that they avoid speaking in public while some would go up in front without being asked. So there’s two huge gap in communication here. I have some ideas about that but if you have any fun and interesting ideas to add on, please do.

Some questions :

1.       Do you allow students to discuss in their native language?

2.       How far can you go in teaching certain issues in class? Exp : Gender equality , Feminism etc

Will update more on that later. Toodles J

Wings - Aishah Kazman

When I was twelve,
I watched lonely planet a lot
Back then astro was
quite a new thing for us
so to have the world shown to you
by a little box at home was something amazing
The way Ian and Asha
explored every inch of the world
triggers this little bug in me
that says
' I want to do that too someday '

When I was seventeen
I was about to finish high school
with the dream that
I will be flying out in no time
I imagined myself
on a green fields somewhere
in a campus
where it is 8c all year round
I spoke a lot about leaving
  and do things I want to do

When I was twenty
I watched updates
on the Instagram of friends
in different places of the globe.
I envied those grabbing chances
I couldn't
and experiencing things
I can only imagine of
I developed hatred and jealousy
on others for chasing their dreams

When I was twentytwo
and still loyal to my nation
I talked about conquering the map again
This time I can almost feel
that it will happen soon
I can almost taste the air
where they eat cheese for breakfast
and smell the soil
where snow melts in spring
But along with that courage
comes obligations and constrictions

When will I finally be chasing my dreams?
I know for sure it's not here
its somewhere out there
between the coordinates

Maybe if I believe hard enough
I'll spread my wings
and catch those dreams
from ten years and more

Sick - Aishah Kazman

It sickens me how an individual’s life can be determined by merely how many likes on a picture and how many people commented “ Oh god girl, your brows are on fleek!”

It sickens me how success can be determined by how much money you have in your bank and where you seek for medical care.

It sickens me how we glorify people based on their deeds on the screens when we do not know their real intention.

It sickens me when people questioned someone deeds when we did not know what he did was out of pure compassion.

It sickens me how we always think that ‘we know it all’ when the one up there is the only one who have knowledge of everything and everyone.

It sickens me when I could not find Him among all this confusion and sadness.

It sickens me to know that He has always been there for me, since the day I was born. 

Love Bug - Aishah Kazman

Dear you,

Yup, you over there.

I am mesmerized by the way your aqua blue eyes twinkle at me

The way your lashes flutters as your face break into a smile

The way you look at me and how butterflies magically appear in my tummy

Oh you yes you, I am falling for you  - hard

The moment you said ‘ excuse me ‘ before squeezing out from the packed rush hour train

Dear you,

Yes you with the grey slacks and white polo

For the 5 minutes I stood behind you

I could not feel the weight of my grocery basket nor did I feel tired of waiting in line

Because the sight of your back and your broad shoulder is something I could stare all day

The way you sneaked a glance to me and flashed that cute dimple on your cheek

Oh dear, I almost fall face first right there in the checkout counter in Tesco

Dear you,

Yes you the one with red cap on behind the counter

I know the moment I stood in line for my weekly grease fix

You would be someone significant to my life

The way you greet me with that fancy smile and twinkle in your eyes

Oh boy, can I just place an order for you instead of the fillet o fish?

Dear you,

Yeah I’m talking about you Z

When you texted me that night as I was deeply fixed to Love and other drugs

I almost imagine how my life would be if I were to be Anne Hathaway and you will as successful as Jake Gyllenhall

Your ‘ hey, lunch tomorrow? ‘ gave me trembles in my finger as I try to figure out what should I reply you

Dear you,

Yes you sir, the one who took my heart away five years ago

When you said your first hey to me that one evening

And how we stick close to one another for the next five years

The way you look into my eyes and wipe my tears when I cry

The way you agree on bringing me everywhere and give me roses every now and then

Are just some of why I fall for you – losing myself in between

Dear you,

Yes you,

Don’t be scared when your cheek burns because that guy with the aqua blue eyes said ‘excuse me’ at the train station

Don’t be sacred when your tummy did a back flip when the guy with a cute dimple smiled at you in the check-out counter

Don’t be scared when your flesh burns when the cute waiter at McDonalds accidently brush your fingers while handling you your Fillet o Fish

Don’t be scared when your fingers tremble when the new guy from work texted you ‘ have lunch with me tomorrow? ‘

Don’t be scared when the guy you have went out with twice asked it you would like to go serious with him

And don’t be scared when your mind says ‘ uh oh, we are falling in love! ‘

Dear you,

Stop the panic attack now.

Because falling in love is perfectly fine

Because feeling the blush in your cheeks are part of your body natural process

Because that tummy backflip and the tremble in your fingers

Are all saying that you are just another human being

Who had just got bitten by the love bug.

Plastic Stars - Aishah Kazman

When I was nine,
I used to have the whole universe pasted on the ceiling of my bedroom,
glowing dimly
soothing me into a deep sleep every single night
The visible splendors of twinkling lights
makes me ponder on the world beyond
If one day I would look at the same star and feel the same way

Now at the age of twenty two
I begin to feel the pressure of life
How my mind clusters in a chaotic mess
trying to make the best
for the unknown future ten years

Oh darling,
when you came with that twinkle in your eyes
brighter than the any stars
Radiating warmth to my cold heart
I almost melt to the ground there and then
Falling into the depth of your pool
of dreams and shared secrets

Comparing you to the 88 constellations
would be an understatement on its own
Because every freckles on your face
and the long scar on your ankle
tells a story 88 times better than what ancient Greek can ever do
The way our words overlapped with each other
and the way your kiss sucked the breath out of me
Made me believe that finally the stars are aligned for us
That finally even the angels in heaven look down upon us with jealousy
on how pure our love lights up brighter than those sparkling fireworks in January

But darling,
Even stars would collide into each other creating explosions and destroying lives
in its immediate visions

After half a decade of admiring clusters of stars on lonely nights
I finally realized that there are fault in our stars

The little holes that I missed when your words creates harmony between heaven and earth
That tiny chip that I over looked when your kiss makes my heart stops and my breath shortens

Oh darling,
You are the fault in my stars

We may have shared our deepest secrets and promised on lifelong dreams
But little had I realized that the connection I thought we had
was insignificant

On which universe did we possibly collide into one another?

When I love hawker stalls but you prefer fancy restaurants
When I look for challenges but you prefer comfort
When I talk a lot but you keep your words to yourself

You on its own are a great mystery to me
No matter how hard I tried
The twinkling in your eyes are no where to found
cause nowdays all I can see is the sharp red of hell burning in your eyes
craving for
cheap love and quick lust
your hand sprawling around my waist
looking for the touch shooting you up in heavens and pushing me down to hell
your fingers traces
the tiny constellations on my naked back
Illuminated by the dim blue light on the 23rd floor
Your voice whispers
love songs to my ears making my all my senses alight
But no matter how I shuddered and cried and scream
You took no notice of the tears stream

Now, I still stare at the yellow neon of stars in the ceiling of my room
But it's no longer soothing me to sleep
Because I finally realize how the stars are just a bunch of cheap plastic
That will never glow brighter that a real star

Just like what we had
A bunch of cheap love and clusters of fake lust

Never brighter than what I had wish upon the star

Eternal love - Aishah Kazman

No tittle - Aishah Kazman

Red roses - Aishah Kazman

Dear stranger... - Aishah Kazman

Addiction

It's hard going back to you
When you are the introduction
To my endless sinful addiction
The devil on my left shoulder, be thankful to you

Landmines - Aishah Kazman

You know what Hazel Grace once said to Augustus Walters?
Dont love me,I'm a fucking grenade
Well I could definitely relate to being
An explosive dangerous life threatening metaphor

Because I am a landmine

You get to close and I'll explode
Taking lives and blowing hopes

Dont you understand
Haven't you see it yet

From all the heartbreaks
And lost connections
Ive killed your soul,more than once
But you stayed

I am not the commitment type
Never am, never was
Not before, not even now
The thought of stripping myself naked
For everyone to have a view of my soul
Shudders me, brings me nightmares

I love you but I cant
I want you but I cant
I miss you but I cant
I long for you but I cant

Cause im a freaking landmine
Ill hurt you again
And again

So it's better for us to have distance

3am - Aishah Kazman

Another Nobody - Aishah Kazman

No tittle - Aishah Kazman

Dream - Aishah Kazman

Bold and brave - Aishah Kazman

Last night - Aishah Kazman

It's complicated - Aishah Kazman

Mess - Aishah Kazman

Binjai on the park - Aishah Kazman

Space - Aishah Kazman

Reasons - Aishah Kazman

The final note, arriverderci. - Aishah Kazman

If someone ever to ask me
What love feels like
I guess that need a moment to answer

Allow me to take a moment
And close my eyes for two

Because everything I knew so well
For the past five years
Has become a strange memory

It's like remembering that you visited the zoo when you're five
But you forgot the colour of your overalls
Or the flavour of ice cream you had chosen

It's like remembering the countless nights you've spent together
Talking on skype for five hours and another hour texting before bed 
But you forgot what secrets you shared
Or the first emoticon he sent with hearts on it

It's like remembering that you had late night picnic
With an overpriced sandwich and a carton of orange juice
Sitting next to each other in KLCC park
But you forgot what made you laugh
Or the jokes that he made

It's like remembering sitting in the car
In an empty parking lot somewhere in Bangsar
And you're almost crying and he slammed the steering wheel with anger
But you forgot what you were fighting for in the first place

It's there,
But the little details of it are gone

Maybe I still have all that memory in my head
Somewhere hidden beneath all the ego and anger
Maybe I have deleted everything
With a single click

And maybe what we have worked on
For the past five years
Are now a distant memory
Smiling pictures in our memory card
Endless conversations from our whatsapp history
And countless dried rose petals between the pages of my favorite book

Maybe I want to end this all along
Maybe you wanted this
Either way, we have come to the end

Five years is not a short time
Either it is a long time
For you to meet someone
And have your life to change forever

It has been a grear journey together
But it's time for us to take separate ways now

Arriverderci.

Reason - Aishah Kazman

You used to be my reason to wake up in the morning
Because I know you'd be the first one to wish me
Even after a long tiring day
I would still be okay
Because I know you'd be there listening to my rants and rambles

But things have changed now
I've lost my reason to wake up and brave the day
Because im scared of failing and messing up the day
And the worse thing is I wont have anyone to listen to me just like you do

That's the scariest part

Doppio - Aishah Kazman

In that little cafe by the corner
With neon signs of double espresso
A metaphor to the double trouble
Even the double stalk of orchids
Could not mask the smell of frustration and heartbreak
Lingering from the table by the window

A man with sleek white shirt
A lady with floral pencil dress
A cup of hot long black
A slice of classic cheesecake

Once upon a time
They were lovers
Full of sweetness
And steaming lust
Now has nothing
But hints of bitterness
And bits of regrets 

Nothing can tend these two souls now
Not even a tall glass of mango maracuja

Coffee that lingers - Aishah Kazman

The warm golden rays embrace me
As if trying to say
I'll be okay
As I look up to the blinding orange sphere
Peeking behind the two twins
Im feeling quite the opposite
It's like my commuting journey
From a long day at work
Is scripted by a propaganda
By strangers and fellow commuting members of the train
It's like everyone is trying to mock me
By sending hints of little bits and pieces
Of things that would make me reminds of him
The one stalk of red rose that the girl shove to my face in an overpacked train
The shirt with little owl prints all over
The deep stares just like you used to make
The tight embrace by a couple as they make jokes about others in the train
The living and breathing humans
The laugh
The smiles
The stares
Its mocking me
Its bringing me back to unnecessary memories
That I wish to wash away
But I can't seem to make it work
As they said
Love is like a good coffee
The taste lingers somewhere in you
Even after a very long day

Space - Aishah Kazman

Let me find love within myself
Before I can find love in you
Just give me time
And maybe space

A little bit of both
And one fine day
I'll be running back to you
Stronger and bolder

And love you even more

An open letter to the RED person.

Dear You, 

It took me courage to actually sit down and write this letter for you. It is not an easy decision neither the most pleasant thing to do in my life. Before I go any further, you should know that for the past 5 years of knowing you in person had been a pleasure to me both as a friend and a lover. You were part of my growing up and you have been there through most of my ups and downs and for that thank you very much. I hope that what I am about to write in this letter will not affect you as much and I hope you would take time to understand and reflect. The reason why I am writing this down is so that you would be able to understand and I am able to explain my position in this situation. 

You and I know better, for most of the things. 

For the years that I've known you , I felt like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you as a friend and a lover. I felt like we clicked in so many ways despite of all the differences that we had. I am an outgoing, extrovert green person while you are this rigid, serious red person.I would not deny that there were countless times when I had been so frustrated with you and you inability to make decisions and suggestions. At times, I felt annoyed for always being the one in charge or having to decide. Yes, I wish to be controlled at times. 

Our relationship had went through a lot of phases, from being just acquaintance to Skype buddy to being inseparable lovers. I enjoyed every single minute of that journey, no regrets if you ask me. But what bothers me is how our relationship revolves around us, and just us. Yes, I admit like most girls I appreciate and enjoyed the love, attention and care that you gave. But sometimes it gets too overwhelming. You off all person should know how I am allergic to commitments and attachments. I cannot get too close or too bonded with another human being.

How I am able to stay with you for five years? I have no idea myself. But that's the point, it has always been about me. 

I am tired for the times when you said how I shaped your life. How I affected your decisions.How I am always the number one for you. Yes, thank you for being the best lover. However, I regret to inform you that I am not enjoying that at times. Sometimes, I wish that you are able to make decisions for your best interest, not me. I wish that you are free to explore the world without thinking about me. I wish that you are able to mingle around, make new friends without worrying whether I will be jealous to your acquaintance

I have always encouraged you to go out and explore the world, make new friends, create experience and enjoy living. But you don't. You will always put me before anything else. No, that is not wrong but in this case it is. You are constricting yourself from enjoying everything because of your girlfriend.  And I felt sorry for you because of that. 

As like the other couples out there, we have our own dreams and goals. We dreamed of going places, travel, exploring the world. Yes, we did go out and explore new things and I enjoyed every single road trips we went. However, I could not dare myself to take it to another level, going out to another country with you , alone. Not just yet, until I got an approval from my parents. And you knew that, yet you betrayed me on that. 

Now, let's talk about my family. You always mentioned how you love it when I interact with my parents, my siblings. How you wished to be a part of our crazy, huge family. And you also knew how I respect my parents and although I am not the best daughter ever but I rely on my parents approval on almost everything. You out of all people knew how strict my parents can be and how I always find them for approval for everything. 

Before going on my trip, you expressed your intention of tagging along and keeping me company. Watching over me, be my body guard. I made it clear from the first day that the decision lies on my parents and not me. Unless you have the blessing from my parents I will be going solo. I reminded you countless times to ask from my Dad about the trip and you keep holding it back.

Until the day you appeared at my Hotel, acting like it's all normal.That's when I lose it.

You said that you care for me, respect me and wants to keep me safe. But what would that mean if you don't even bother to show any respect towards my parents? How can I accept you into my family if you couldn't even face my dad for such simple thing? My parents allowed me on the trip expecting me to be having a solo trip. What would they feel if I betrayed them and have my boyfriend tagging along, without their knowledge? Would I betray that trust for you? That day showed me something about you. Made me realized how all this while our relationship has always been about us. We never took the time to know our family and to have them involved. I feel bad because of that.

That day, I lose my respect towards you. As a friend, a lover and a human being.

I love you and I think you should know that. I adore you as a friend and more than that. I love being by your side sharing stories and silly jokes. I love being able to share everything with you. I love having you on the phone at 3 am in the morning when I am stressed up with assignments or had just finished a sad emotional movie. I love everything about you.

But I cannot be with someone that will not have my family as part of our relationship. To me, family blessing is everything. And if you are not ready for my family, then don't bother falling in love with me.

I hope you are able to accept my decision. It is not something I came up randomly, this is something that I had took my time to think and analyze.

With this letter, I bid you goodbye. Thank you for the past five years of being together, I had fun and I hope you were too. Stay safe and I wish you all the best.


With love,
The Green person. 

When I am with you - Aishah Kazman

When i am with you 

I am limitless 

I can do all the crazy things 

And never be judged

When i am with you 

I am unstable 

I can be all moody and cranky 

And never be misunderstood

when i am with you 

I am not the same person 

As who i was with others 

Because you,

Are different

Universe - Aishah Kazman

We are just two souls

That stays on parallel path

Near,  but never collide into one another

Ego, Guilt and Love

That's what creates this distance

And silent stares

Stop staring,

I can feel the burn from your stares

Right into my soul

Its a shame how my heart ache for you

But I am bounded by some invisible force

That made it impossible to run over to you

Weird, how just few days ago

We were normal lovers

All chatty and laugh

Now, we are just two strangers

Few meters apart in an airport

Sending silent stares to each other

Will there be a day

When our path would collide into one another? Again?

" Why him? " - Aishah Kazman

" So ,why him "

Hmm..

Cause I love him ?

" Love is not enough honey "

Well,

He is my best friend,

The person I would call in the middle of night

The person I would cry to

The person I would make silly jokes

That's why

" It's not enough "

" Why him ? "

Well,

He knows me,

He knows when I am hungry

He knows when I am moody

He knows how to make me laugh

" I'll say that's bullshit! "

Well then sir,

Why do you think

I choose him ?

" Because both of you fits each other like a puzzle "

But to compare our love to puzzle is so vague sir

" Honey, that's love. Love will forever be vague

It's not for you to understand

But for you to feel it "

I still don't get it

" That's the secret, no one does "

MMMA