BODOH - Aishah Kazman

I remember a lot of things from my childhood

like how I would keep all the 10 cents just to buy gula gula hantu from the makcik in sekolah agama

how I would visit the library every recess just to borrow another of the Enid Blyton series

how I would purposely switch off the shower lights just to hear my brother scream in fear for the momok that would come out from the mirror or the way my parents would bring us kids for heavenly tomyam just by the petrol station opposite to my school

those are my happy memories, the ones that I would cherish forever

but I also remember how I was told that the shirt I am wearing is too grey for me

or I should sweep the floor more cause I have baby fats around my waist, how I never get full score in my maths cause my brain does not work properly

how I am just careless when it was not even my fault that the window broke

and this I remember

aishah ni bodoh kan?

I could not exactly recall on what occasion does that happen but it was a remark made to the fact that I am just another clumsy kid who has extra inches on her waist and has never get the top 5 in class up to standard 5

a simple comment that are nailed harshly to my brain forcing me to believe that indeed I was bodoh

bodoh bodoh bodoh ( sing song )

eh tahu tak, aishah ni bodoh tak macam….. ( mocking )

him. a supposedly blood related human being whom gets compared to this unfortunate self all of our lives

him, the idea of a perfect child with excellent grades and mountain high ego to match with

him, the idea of perfection that I am supposed to follow close behind although I can never be one step ahead

him, the one who called me bodoh

my childhood were always about me being compared to him. the emotional trauma of an eight year old girl has cause he to lose the ability to have a decent conversation with another human beings, that she cant even look the teacher in her eyes for the fear of being called up, that she avoid being in any societies or clubs because she is scared of achieving anything, that she could not order a simple vanilla sundae without rehearsing her order a million times ahead

my childhood was not all fairytales and princess cause the evil sorcerer and scary looking witch with ever annoying voice will always haunts me with their story of how this sorcerer are achieving so many things that they have lost count. No matter how much my King and Queen console me their words are still etched in my childhood memories leaving trails of consciousness and low esteem

  

eh tahu tak aishah ni memang bodoh sebab….. ( mocking )

do you have any slightest idea how that one day during Science class when I was called by the school counselor because a friend reported that I am being suicidal

do you have any slightest idea how I looked up on google of the five steps how to have a conversation with friends

do you have any idea that I had always deny any relation to you because I have never felt like I am worth enough to be a family

do you have any memory of how in every gatherings that I would spent making myself busy with the adults back in the kitchen secretly longing to be out there with the others laughing at some silly youtube videos

do  you have any memory of how you boast about taking over this empire that our dads have built together and never once allow me the chance to take up what is mine

because life revolve around you and you alone

and yes, talking about you left this bitter taste on my tongue, how my bile rises with disgust that I have once allow myself to be weak in your eyes.

True, aishah ni memang bodoh

that it took me half of my life to actually realize that it is not of my obligation to be shadowed by you

that my potential are limitless although it may take me a million tries to get the right order in 

McDonalds

that I can be anyone I want to a journalist a writer a traveler

that I can be ME

strength - Aishah Kazman

she braced herself in this storm of her own
no other survivors but her strength
no other casualty but her despair
in between her sobs and hiccups
she clenched on the little grains of hope left inside her

step by step she walked towards the light
and they welcome her like a warm hug she crave for

ego - Aishah Kazman

drop the ego like a heavy sack you have been carrying around on your back
the broken bones that ache are now a tall brick wall between you and your conscience

tiny grey car - Aishah Kazman

i keep driving my car towards the blur line at the end of horizon
lined with tiny grey cars that once used to fit us perfectly
pushing on the pedal for that extra thrust towards uncertainty
for a single glimpse of that tiny grey car gives me a slight hope and excitement
that you may still exist and not just another dream i have repeatedly night after night
it reminds me of the uneasy feeling and nausea i had every time we were suppose to meet
the butterflies that threatens to fly away to every single text that says ' im otw'
and i still wander why after few years i still have cold feet before meeting you

and at the end of the horizon is where i shall wait for you
for that tiny grey car to pass by
and you happen to be behind the wheels and our eyes will meet just for a second

and that is more than enough for me
to have a glimpse of you
and to know that you are safe and sound

Footsteps - Aishah Kazman

she keep looking back to the trailing steps behind her
little dent of footsteps that trailed her story like a hungry ant
hunger for the sweetness of love and will bite if its not fed
her eyes wander into the pages where tear stained blurred the long words
a simple dot at the end marks the ending of the story
questions left unanswered and plots left hanging
living pictures stay alive like an old video playing in an endless loop
reliving the slow motion laughter and smile as she sat next to him
their song playing softly in the background mocking the memories that comes
she tried to left the scene but her feet keeps rooted on the floor
forcing her to see, hear and remember
forcing her to feel the pain
that she once put on him

Midnight

You are my midnight wish, cause at 00.00 my hope for you will always renew.

To the guy I walk away from - Aishah Kazman

Who is there to blame? The current me or the old me? We were both young and cold hearted back then, we reserve our thoughts but crave for actions. We dont think what will happen in the next five years, whether the kiss that we shared will be an eternal kiss or the love we created is for eternity. I admit, the love I had was vague I didn't know what I want and what I dont. You are not sure if I am your forever girl or just another heartbreaker. Turns out I am the latter, twice. And in both time you expand your arms and accept me gladly back into your life, another new muse after a year of darkness. And is getting back every one year is just another habit. No? It's funny when you look at it in that way.

And now after another year has gone past, we had enough of stalking each other Facebook at 2 am, we had enough of staring into the empty Whatsapp chat trying to see when is the last seen, we had enough of trying to hope that one of us will start the conversation and get us back on track. I've tried more than once to move on , to find that perfect Barbie Ken that fits every criteria that I had when I was a Barbie girl. I swiped right too many times and experimented with multiple douche bags who seems to be eager on getting their hands into my shirt. But I want more than just a Barbie Ken, I want a forever guy. No need to be a knight in shining amour or handsome Prince charming from Andalusia.

I just want a guy who doesn't like to wear tie because he feels like they are choking him, who would keep the Skype on through out the night just to stare at me snoring with my head down into exam notes, a guy who would drive 100km in a flinch just to wipe my tears caused by some stupid girl drama.

 But I have lose him, to the fake hopes and vague love that I dusted into this relationship. I have lose him after treating him like a heartless bitch,  twice. I have lose him after taking his heart into mine and slice it thinly into a messy blood massacre. And now he still exist, not as a forever guy but an empty soul left behind by an evil bitch. A walking zombie who will never put trust into love ever again. An empty ruins with no glimpse of hope to be alive.

And I am sorry for the hole that I left. I know that no matter how much I tried it will never be enough to fill in the gaps. I am sorry for the other girls who tried to mend this broken soul but never succeed. He is just so broken apart to be fix. I am sorry that when I left I took away all the inspiration and hope that you had for life. I am sorry that it hurt you. I am sorry that I hurt you.

From the girl who left you - Aishah Kazman

The first time that we kissed, you placed your palms against my cheeks and stare into my eyes

As you pull me closer I remember thinking if this is how I would I die, from a heart attack due to excitement. As your lips latched into mine and your tongue search for the passion in me I die a little inside. Knowing that this is the man that I put my heart out but realize that I am no longer standing behind the barrier that I have set between me and everyone else. Each time that my mind wander back to that night, my head swoon from the excitement. That single kiss in the car left my lips craves for more. That night when I cried my heart out for you who I have lost, I crave for the tender kiss and warmth from your hands across my body. From the night that we slept together under blue neon lights when you hold me carefully, afraid that a single touch would trigger me to push you away like I did before. I remember how you kept me warm through the night and how I felt safe in your arms, away from the scary little world away from the demons in my head. You are my safe space. The one who kept me awake from my insecurities and fear that I would be failing and falling. But even your warmth from that night could not hold me back. I pushed you away eventually. I could not overcome my fear that if you would hurt me like many boys had before. That if you would leave me hanging and bleeding like many people had. That you will break my heart and I will never be able to put it back together. I fear that I would lose you, so I push you away before you did.