A Thursday Affair - Aishah Kazman

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  Like most days, our Thursday starts with a simple beginning
  I cant talk about how it first started because in all honesty I cant exactly remember how
  But it started with a genuine full of honesty friendship that eventually blooms into something else
  Something in the line of being confusing yet cheeky at the same time
  But I like our Thursday, and there is no denying of how much I cherished our Thursdays together
  So let's talk about Thursday
  
  Lets talk about Thursday before the sun dies out
  Lets talk about your favorite radio station that plays weird indie music after twelve - adding that euphoric vibe for our midnight drive 

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  Lets talk about the time when we sat and talked about the most random topics on the wet grounds of independence square right in the parallel line of where Charmander would be found
  Lets talk about the night we spent chasing a big silver dragon Pokemon ( which I can't seem to remember the name ) around PJ when both of use are supposed to teach the next morning
  Lets talk about how we discovered our common grounds in food and cheap clothes
  Lets talk the random food hunting we had all around town
  Lets talk about our thrift shopping on a dodgy aley somewhere in the middle of the city at 3am in the morning 

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  Lets talk about our travel plans, the endless train route across Indonesia
  Lets talk about how we are just another two individuals emerging from a painful past relationship
  Lets talk about the possibility of us finding comfort in one another
  Lets talk about our family and siblings, the shared pressure of being number one
  Lets talk about our concern for the future - the not knowing of what to become of us in the next few years 

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  Lets talk about us. 

• Lets talk about this Thursday, the day like any other day
  And maybe Thursday will be just another day
  And maybe other days will be our Thursday

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Of darkness and nightmares - Aishah Kazman

Are you afraid of the dark? I do.
In fact the moment I close my eyes is when the fears come creeping in, slowly rising beneath my skin and into the bones, aches through the neurons of my brain. See, in fact I am really afraid of the dark. They said that beware of the monsters that lurks under your bed, ready to snatch your feet as your turn off the light. But my kind of monster exist the moment I close my eyes blinding me with flashbacks of the past, slashing my heart into pieces to the nightmares it caused. This monster forces me to watch old memories and remember the emotions I used to feel. The emotions I felt with you. The feelings I shared with you. 

We were full of it - once. Love, lust and everything else. 

I am afraid of the dark - still afraid now. I wonder if you ever woke up in cold sweat and teary eyes to the nightmares at night. I wonder if the monsters ever creeps on you. I wonder if you have that kind of monsters that lurks under your eyelids the moment you close them. Maybe you are not haunted by the memories that leaves you heartache in the morning. Maybe you dont, maybe you do. 

I am afraid of the dark. I still do. I get little jumps when someone touches me on the soft spots where you used to leave your marks on. I still get agitated when I am reminded of a certain places we used to go. I am still fragile when it comes to giving my heart out to someone else. 

I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of you. I am afraid of myself.

No title - Aishah Kazman

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  I am on the verge of giving up, to go back into retreat unfer the warm and comfortable blanket that envelops me into a world far away from this ignorant world I know now. A world where no one care, a world where people don't bother to pick up calls and a world that never bother to stop and offer me a warm hug just when I most needed.
  I am on the verge of destroying myself again. Losing hope on myself and relieving the insanity I once held on to. I know that no matter how hard I try keeping up this straight face showing everyone the independent woman I am to the world, I would always go back at night and wet my pillow with tears. And sometimes the tears wont stop even in my dreams.
  Because everything is so fucked up and I am losing my grip on the things around me.
  My indepence, my sanity and my state of mind.

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Commitments - Aishah Kazman

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  I don't do long term commitments - the idea of being bonded to something or someone for a long period of time scares me. That is why I am lacking of high school friends in my list of contacts. And that is why when you ask me about my childhood friend I took some time to think of one. The thing is I am scared to give myself and bonded into a connection with another soul that I am unsure if it's going to last forever. It's like when you keep buying a certain kind of ice cream for every single day and one day you found out that they don't produce that particular ice cream anymore. No matter how hard you try to find an ice cream with the same flavor it will still be a different ice cream
  
  The idea of forever ever after only exist in fairy tales among princesses and princes. Because like it or not, I am not Snow White and you are not my prince charming on a handsome white horse. You don't find me while I am feeding the birds and mouse. 

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  More exactly, you found me while I am feeding myself. With the food we explored together and the feeling of comfort you transmitted from your deep laugh. You found out how long it takes me to finish a bowl of Mac and cheese and how my eyes lighten up to the sight of fresh noodles.
  You found a lot of other side of me. And I found more sides of you as well. Now, you are beginning to look like a round character in this narrative of mine and I am beginning to get worried.
  Because I may be sticking to you a little bit closer now. And yes, I am scared of that.
  But for now let just see how it goes.

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Shelter - Aishah Kazman

As every beat of sound travel through the sphere of my tangled earphones

vibrating nervous vibe to every inch of my skin
Carrying emotions through my veins 

to which my brain could not process

Longing
Missing
Regret
Rindu
Sadness
Longing

I don't know how exactly should I put it into words

I'm trying not to be affected by the words of this song and yet, it lingers

bringing a little bit of your presence with every step i make

imagining your stare burn right through me

 haunting me with the guilt that i have 

' you are the sun in my sky '

' and I'll be there when you fall '

' I'll be your shelter '

Lies lies lies
Promises being said, but in the end
My foolish self destroyed every hope in your heart
How heartless of me
Not even our pinky promise
Could ever turn back time
Or even change my mind

Sorry would never change a thing

I will not cry to this song
No matter how painful my heart feels